WSL: Woman as Second Language

Admittedly, my hubby and I have a hard time communicating sometimes. I think it's the language barrier. I speak 'Woman' and he speaks 'Man.' So I tell everyone he is WSL: speaks Woman as a Second Language. Fortunately, I have been able to translate some of the common phrases in the Woman language.

Woman: Do I look fat?
Translation: You'd better say, "No" because my fragile self-esteem cannot take any other response.

Man: Why did you buy ANOTHER handbag?
Woman: Because I needed a new one.
Translation: I must have the latest {insert handbag designer here} or else I can't possible show up to mommy group/book club/lunch {insert place or event of choice here}.
Alternate Translation: I must have a better bag than {insert woman's name here}.
Alternate Translation: Every woman has to have 10-20 different handbags available for various outfits at any one time.

Woman: That woman is beautiful.
Translation: Skank! No woman is allowed to look better than I do in front of my husband.

Man: I'm going to go get in a round of golf {or insert any man activity here}.
Woman: That's fine.
Translation: You'd better know that I am sending you telepathic messages that you need to stay home and cuddle with me or else I will act all witchy and refuse to cook you dinner later.

Woman: I'm going to the salon.
Translation: I'm going to the salon because I am a woman - sasquatch and need my entire body plucked, waxed, and/or laser hair removal performed so that you think I'm naturally hairless. While I'm there, I'm also going to get a facial, highlights, lowlights, a body scrub, a mani and a pedi. And you're paying for it.

Woman: I am running to the drug store for a few things.
Translation: Anytime I say 'drug store' and 'things' in the same sentence you assume I'm purchasing the dreaded womanly items and never question me about leaving. I'm actually going to Starbucks and getting a Venti, non-fat, no-whip Cafe Mocha and an almond biscotti and zoning out for an hour while you take care of the kids. Momma needs some 'me' time.

Woman: What time are you coming home tonight?
Translation: You'd better get your butt home immediately after work. I've got a roast in the oven and I've dealt with screaming kids for 9 hours.

Woman: I like this shirt on you.
Translation: Please don't wear that hideous outfit you've picked out. I have suitable attire all picked out for you.

Woman: I want more kids.
Translation: I stopped taking the pill 2 months ago and that had better be okay with you.

Woman: I think I need Botox
Translation: You'd better tell me that I look as good as I did when we were 23. If I really wanted to get Botox, I'd do it without mentioning it.

Woman: I need some alone time.
Translation: I need to spend money without you knowing.

Man: How much did that cost?
Woman: Only $30! I got it on sale.
Translation: It was $50 more than I told you it cost and while there was a sale going on at the store, this item wasn't included.

Man: How much do you weigh?
Woman: {insert weight on driver's license here}
Translation: Anywhere from 10-30 pounds MORE than what it says on my driver's license.

Man: What size are you?
Woman: {insert size here}
Translation: 2 sizes larger than said size

Man: Do you like your gift?
Woman: Uh-huh. Ya, it's lovely. Thanks.
Translation: Lack of screaming and hysterics typically means - I've hinted at the present I really wanted for weeks and you got me this?

Woman: Can you .. {insert chore here}
Translation: Do said chore right now!

Man: You and my mother were getting along really well at dinner tonight.
Woman: Yes. It was a lovely dinner.
Translation: Your mother lets me know at every turn that she thinks I'm not good enough for you and she's driving me insane. I'd like to slap her!

Woman: Not tonight, dear. I'm tired.
Translation: If you think you're getting any after I cooked, cleaned, wiped runny noses, and handled screaming kids all day and then had the pleasure of cleaning up after the dinner I cooked while you sat on the couch and watched the news - you've got another think coming, mister!

Obviously, there are several dialects in the Woman language. I'm just translating some typical phrases in the predominant dialect. But you should be aware that there are several other dialects with additional meanings to these phrases or different phrases altogether. A few examples of additional dialects include:

• Independent Woman Dialect
• Angry Woman Dialect
• I don't need a man to complete me Dialect
• I sound like I'm doing what you want, but am actually manipulating you Dialect

I think it's important that we work hard to understand each other's language so we'll be able to better communicate.
Translation: You'd better speak my language, buddy!

WSL: Woman as Second Language